Mistaken fears and cautiousness

Had Pyelonephritis (kidney infection), which got me admitted into the hospital for the past 2 days. Yes it was painful and uncomfortable, both physically and mentally. For people knowing me well enough, would realize that I am not the sort who prioritize my health, often refusing treatment. This time, after much persuasion by many around me, I stepped out and sought help. Of course, the prior hesitation had lead to frustration to me loved ones, especially my mother since it added to her troubles in the midst of a hefty workload. Really apologetic on how my condition and lack of wise decisions implicated them, but I guess I can only work from there. 

It's definitely not a fantastic occurrence to be hospitalized, but it sure put me in a break. To really sit beyond my usual spot, to pause and look at my position, whether it's what I'd like myself to be, and how I'm gonna take charge from there. Not surprisingly, tears overwhelmed. 

Tough isn't it? Having yourself to be someone you warned yourself not to be. Torturous ain't it? Pushing yourself to eradicate who you are to become what you ought to be. 

Ya'know what people say about just being yourself? But what if the self you truly are is one you dislike even more. Change? Easier said than done. You're trying, but time isn't on your side. When your effort brings more damage than help.

In search for my own voice, I need to find who I really am. I'm sick of being a drop among the ocean. I'm tired of being uncertain, neither here nor there.