okay, so wanna carry on? okie.
if you keep a follow up on me, you will realise that i am rather moody and weird lately. can't explain much i guess? it's just all crumpled up.
i know i've been all positive and optimistic about life. even when facing the hardest times, i'm all up and ready to fix it. but now, when no one is at home, and i'm home alone, i start to get myself into a cosy corner where i can really be myself, release all thoughts. as i close my eyes, all shit start to enter. i don't mean that my life is full of shit or it sucks lah, as in there are just some bad times. i pretty much appreciate the luxuries and advantages i have right now. i feel fortunate for the gifts and love i get. as the saying goes "when you have no shoes, think about those with no feet." yeah, i totally agree, like instead of complaining what we don't have, we should feel contented with what we have. i do.
anyways, back on track, the reason i cry and get troubled nowadays is not because i am unhappy with my life, but because of some issues that makes my heart sink. i just don't get it man.. i'm so tired of all this stupid issues that shouldn't exist in the first place. all i wish, all i want, is life to go on smoothly with peace and harmony.
sometimes, i ask myself, what is the reason for all these? is it suppose to be like this? or is it me?
sometimes i'd rather have the least, be at the lowest rank, just ordinary and plain. at least like that, i am just innocent and have less troubles and less to worry about. i want an ordinary life.
you know, i really hate how i behave sometimes. hate it when my ignorance hurt someone. hate it when i lose control. hate it when i get rash. hate it when i do something that makes me regret. hate it when i ruin what i earn.
after so much. i actually realise a new fact of myself. i am actually pretty much of a introvert. i don't initiate convos with people i don't know. i dislike moments with strangers alone, i have a slight phobia of doing things with people i don't know, i have this issue in making eye contacts with strangers, i am all quiet and awkward alone with strangers, i just hope they will ignore my presence and don't notice me. i only dare to start talking and interact with strangers in the presence of my friends or when i already know them. it's like i get all scared and insecure. that feeling sucks. i ain't a friend maker. unlike some people who can be completely open and as tough they are already acquaintances with strangers. i can't.. i'm not hiding, acting, or what, it's like i just can't communicate with them as i am with my friends. ya know, my true self is pretty scary HAHA. not that lah, it's just some restrictions and boundaries i can't get through. i don't mind talking or interacting with them lah, but they needa make the first move first. from then on, i will make the first move.
oh gosh. so much crap that i've trashed about... and you are actually reading it? wow.
anyways, i wanna grow as a good person. i'm still on my way.
sometimes all i need is a hug. no words, no questioning, no doubts. just a hug.
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