Gabriel

Have you ever lose trail in a person's words, just drifting away and being caught up with every detail of him/her? Trying to lock in all that you see and making sure that's the last thing you'd forget?

--- Take a turn back ---

Fidgeting among the sale products, I kept a lookout for him. Half excited, half numb.
"Don't hold your hopes anywhere near high Erika, he may be like them, leaving after sampling."
I reinforced to keep myself clear not to be trapped, and be cool about all odds.
Probably a mixture of pride of not wanting myself to yet again fall into the state of getting all affected by rejections.
He smiled so genuinely, eyes fixated and beamed. He went on telling me about himself, stories, jokes and all, with some being pretty turn-off for a first date. But he was so enthusiastic and natural, while I had all my defenses up around that tiny fearful heart. He thought things were all going well, yet I was already overwhelmed.
He was the sun and I was a thunderstorm, we shouldn't even cross paths. I couldn't handle his brightness; He didn't deserve to be drowned in my darkness.
Or so that was what I thought.
I eventually pushed him away.

He was bold. Stood by me despite his wounded heart. By then, he was someone I didn't have to pretend around since I had nothing to lose.
It came unexpected.
Relaxed in the moonlight seated side by side, he had his guitar which he played beautifully and perfected with his voice. He was just being him, and I was just being me. I let the music fill my world, eased the tension, and faced the fragments I thought I hid so deeply.
I lost it.
It was as though he could see right through my soul. He held me in his arms where his warmth assured support. He was silent, but deafening was the retreat of my tides.
I don't want to ever let go of his hug.

--- ---

We do fight or get dissed with each other. But never once I didn't feel my heart tear because I got mad at him. It pains me to flame him.
What I really admire about him is that no matter what happens, he never hides his love. He is so courageous, humble, and earnest. He speaks what he feels, and not afraid to feel. I may be tough and rough, but often entangled in dilemma and uncertainties. His boldness and openness keep me in check, showing me constant examples on how I can improve.

With all the time left, I want to learn every part of him.

Thank you Gabriel, I love you.

To receive and give help with the thought of humility, not of superiority.

Lost but not forgotten (Religion related)

As I sit here on this foreign stool of mine, my mind whirls around the conflict between what is the right way to Christ, or is there even a defined methodology of it. You see, Jesus is love, He is forgiveness, acceptance, and salvation, all in His unconditional grace. So how now, should mankind worship and be with Him? Why are there so many variations of Christ in religions?
Now, I got off my stool and is seated on the cold tiles of my room. The debates still remain.
I trust Him, all of Him.
I paused. Just letting my thoughts lead. And it struck to me that perhaps there isn't exactly a right or wrong way in pursuing Christ, for in the belief of Him, stems your acts in life. He sacrificed for us to live, to be the beloved humans created. He saw the imperfections in us, yet as long as we repent in realization of His greatness, we're redeemed. In a humble analogy, like how as you realize your parents' love and effort for you, that you'd do them well, not because they expect it, but because it's in your will to give your love to them.
Does it then matter anymore? What's there left to dwell? For His love for me and my faith in Him, will lead me to where We are meant to be.
If Lord were to flash my life before me and asked to hell or to heaven I deserve, I'd pick the latter. Not in desire of whatsoever, but when Jesus died for our sins on the cross, I was saved in the belief of Him. Should I not forgive my mistakes, aren't I doubting His unconditional grace and sacrifice for us?
How would you feel if the person you love rejects you saying that he/she is inferior due to whatever wrongdoings they've had? You'd still accept them won't you? And you would want them to feel at ease with themselves too, won't you?
I thank the Lord. I'll live, love and be happy, for He suffered in place of our agony.

(p.s/ These are just my interpretations and feelings towards Christ. May or may not be applicable to you and I respect your opinions as well (: keeping my mind open and receptive so as to gain more knowledge too! Let's all share and not condemn. Praise the Lord.)

Giving can be rewarding

Isn't it common to find people, or even yourself to be giving advice and greatest words of comfort to others when they themselves are facing hardships? 

Could it be that knowing the pain, they'd at least feel better seeing others walking out of it? Even if they can't get better, there will be a displaced comfort when others start smiling again..

Unsure

I seem to always find it tough to comprehend what people expect or explain such that it reflects me being incompetent, unreasonable and delusional. But honestly, sometimes I don't know how to apply what people said, like the same rule doesn't apply for all and I'm supposed to figure it out by myself. Such is annoying.

The moon

What stood before him was a stormy night, as though the world was consumed by grey clouds. He knew the moon was there, but engulfed within. The moon is there, yet how many would see pass the darkness to search for it? He thought.

Mistaken fears and cautiousness

Had Pyelonephritis (kidney infection), which got me admitted into the hospital for the past 2 days. Yes it was painful and uncomfortable, both physically and mentally. For people knowing me well enough, would realize that I am not the sort who prioritize my health, often refusing treatment. This time, after much persuasion by many around me, I stepped out and sought help. Of course, the prior hesitation had lead to frustration to me loved ones, especially my mother since it added to her troubles in the midst of a hefty workload. Really apologetic on how my condition and lack of wise decisions implicated them, but I guess I can only work from there. 

It's definitely not a fantastic occurrence to be hospitalized, but it sure put me in a break. To really sit beyond my usual spot, to pause and look at my position, whether it's what I'd like myself to be, and how I'm gonna take charge from there. Not surprisingly, tears overwhelmed. 

Tough isn't it? Having yourself to be someone you warned yourself not to be. Torturous ain't it? Pushing yourself to eradicate who you are to become what you ought to be. 

Ya'know what people say about just being yourself? But what if the self you truly are is one you dislike even more. Change? Easier said than done. You're trying, but time isn't on your side. When your effort brings more damage than help.

In search for my own voice, I need to find who I really am. I'm sick of being a drop among the ocean. I'm tired of being uncertain, neither here nor there. 

Water

Just like water, she was desperate to fit into molds.
The molds of instructions, expectations, standards, preferences, every word people says.
With people of a box, she'll angle like a box.
With people like bowls, she'll hold the curves.
She don't know how to be like untold.
She has no mind of her own.
She's everywhere.
Waiting the chance to flow.

Hold

What do I do

When I'm the biggest vacuum 

Where should I go

When all is low

But you filled me up

You let me feel what "something" is like

You let me know

You're the light I can follow

Maple leaves

The sky was clear.
I stood at that familiar spot, that tile of comfort.
Took in a deep breath, thank goodness the haze was absent.
I wanted to sleep, to just rest. My eyes were blank but it felt like fireworks whenever I shut em. Fatigue. Confusion.
It's alright, he's still awake anyway.
Thoughts began to set in. Vivid and heavy.

How much do I love him?
How much am I willing to let go or take in, because of him?

My eyebrows twitched as my brain started to flood.

I discovered the tremendous depth of affection I have for him as I realized

I begin to fall for the music he listens to
I pay attention to football because he likes it (my least favourite sport before I knew him)
I focus on guitar solos in music because plays it
I think about buying him stuff when I'm out (I dislike spending money ffs)
I picture living life together as a couple but I've always wanted to live alone
I started being careful so that he won't worry
I would rather be with him than rush home even if it's late
I am interested in the topics he talks about even if it was unheard of to me
I become clingy and needy, yet I was never so before and never to anyone else
I am tolerant to him showing factors I detest
I regularly mention him in front of my friends unintentionally
I am afraid to lose him
I talk about "we" rather than "me"
I show him parts of me that I hate people to know/see.
I feel worse than shit when he gets upset due to me
I find it worth it to give
I long for his understanding and approval
I get breathless after every bicker
I struggle with my inner self of transition to being his girlfriend
I'd rather be the one hurt and left behind if we ever part (touch all the damn wood)
I asked myself whether I would still love him if he no longer feels the same, and the answer is with every heartbeat.


He fell asleep. Darkness fell in.